Searching

Poetry and other random thoughts from a wandering mind and a searching heart!


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Authenticity


Tears are running down my cheeks
Heart is broken
No words to speak
Stretched myself to honor a friend
Aware the night held potential for pain
I was not surprised when the moment came
I took the steps to protect my heart
Refusing to pretend, to play a part
Now I am the villain
How can that be?
They abuse me and I am to blame
But I will stand my ground and I will not be shamed
I cannot play this nonsensical game.
Love me or leave me
But don’t pretend
I don’t need your fake gestures
I need real friends.

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Can you hear me?


Can you hear me?
Do you see?
Will you sit in the dirt with me?
Even if you don’t understand,
Can you offer your presence?
Will you be my friend?
Can you save your lectures,
Your miracle fix?

Can you let me weep
And acknowledge my pain?
Can you come back tomorrow if I feel the same?
Can you hear me?
Do you see?
Will you sit in the dirt with me?


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Change


It has been a year of loss and pain and sadness
It has been a time that left me broken and beaten and alone
I have slept and cried and tried to escape
I am changed
And it is time for change
I do not know what that means yet
Just that I cannot continue as I have before
Everything is different
My days feel more numbered
And I do not wish to pretend
To accept that which I do not want
To not live making a difference
It is time for change
God calls me to be still
To listen
To wait
It is time for change….


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Endings…


Walking down this lonely road

Fighting to hold on to hope

Dreams are dying

Questions mount

Emotions swirl

Time is running out

Already so much lost

Much too high has been the cost

Heart beating wildly

Tears freely flow

New realities begin to evolve

Replacing lies

Shining light into dark

Facing the future

The great unknown

Waiting for the pain to end

Trying to learn to breathe again

 

 

 


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NOT a good Friday


I standToday is the day that Christians celebrate “Good Friday”.  All over the world our eyes are turned upward and our hearts tuned into a period of time that changed the world forever.  But on that day so long ago, this was not a “good” Friday.  What had begun as a triumphal entry and a shared meal with those closest to him, had turned into arrest, betrayal, torture and death.  Those that loved him would not have seen anything good about this day.  The sky turned dark, hearts were broken, hopes were shattered and dreams died as the one who had come to bring light and goodness and healing died on a cross.  No, it was not a good Friday.  They did not have the gift of time, distance and history to show them what we know and so for them it was a time of darkness, despair, confusion, grief and discouragement.  They did not know Sunday was coming and that darkness would be turned to light, hearts would be filled with joy, and a new hope, a new dream would rise out of all the despair.  Without that very bad Friday there would never have been the glorious Sunday!  We have the luxury of looking back and understanding that the event that was their deepest sorrow was necessary to provide the unspeakable joy that His resurrection brought.

Perhaps today you sit in a place of darkness, of despair, of pain or loss.  Perhaps you have lost hope and today is a very bad day for you.   Whatever the burden you bear today, remember that beyond the pain, the sorrow, the darkness there is hope and light and joy.  Sometimes we have to have a bad Friday to have a fantastic Sunday.   Sometimes the value of our suffering can only be seen through the lenses of time… but do not lose hope.  What you see today is not all there is…and it is not the end of the story!


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Loneliness


In the still quiet darkness it creeps in,
And I, unaware, am overwhelmed with its force.
As the waves that crash upon the silent shore,
So too, am I engulfed.
Like sand against bare flesh
My soul tingles with sharp, precise pain.
I am left helpless in the power of its surge,
Unable to find stable ground.
Effortlessly it dumps me upon the shore
And I am left to heal my wounds on the sands of time,
Till this Loneliness overpowers me again.


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Sometimes


Sometimes life seems fragile

And emotions flow like a stream

Sometimes your heart feels broken

And you regret the words you have spoken

Sometimes the tears don’t come

But the burden feels so great

Sometimes the hurt won’t heal

And you find it hard to wait

Sometimes mistakes break the chain

Causing so much pain

Sometimes the sadness lingers

Till you know you are loved again!

 


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When it all goes wrong..


Empty, nothing in my hand
Broken, my heart on the ground in pieces
Still, nothing is right and the world has stopped
Tears, pain that cannot be contained, flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks
Empty, broken, still
Here I stand, all alone and filled with pain
Longing for answers, looking for hope
Fighting the fears,
Paralyzed,  I stop to sit
In the only place that can bring relief
Palms, turned up, asking to be filled
Eyes,  lifted
It is my savior I  seek
I stop
I wait
I listen
Waiting for Him to speak
to fill
to heal
And in the silence He comes to me
He wraps me in his love and reminds me of his care
Bringing peace and healing.
Speaking words of comfort
Reminders of His grace
Filling my heart with hope again
and strength to run the race.