Searching

Poetry and other random thoughts from a wandering mind and a searching heart!


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Someone Prayed for Me


When God answers prayers I did not pray
Someone prayed for me
When the despair I cannot seem to escape
Suddenly disappears
Someone prayed for me
When everything is dark and I cannot find my way
Then the light shines bright and the darkness goes away
Someone prayed for me
When I think there’s no hope and I’m about to give up
And peace creeps in like a welcome friend
Someone prayed for me
When the pain is so deep and never goes away
But I find joy in my unstructured day
Someone prayed for me
When I have lost my ability to speak with my God
The words won’t come and the desire is gone
And I find myself smiling, the dark clouds gone
Someone prayed for me.

Too many times in my life I have found myself without words to pray, bogged down in darkness that seemed it would never go away. Then one day I would realize the fog had lifted, my motivation had returned and I felt peace again. The change comes so gradually that I am unaware that it has happened. There comes a moment of revelation when I know that God has brought about a change in my mind, my heart, my soul…and I know it is answers to prayers I did not pray. It is then I know that someone or maybe several someone’s have prayed for me. Whoever you are, wherever you are, my profound thanks for those prayers. Our God is amazing and those moments when he reveals to me that He has done what I could not imagine always make me smile with delight.

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When joy and sorrow collide.


I don’t’ remember another time in my life when extreme joy and profound sadness occupied my heart and soul simultaneously with such intensity.  I have known my share of grief in life.  My first experience with the death of someone I cared about came in my teens.  As the years have passed and I have lost other people in my life to death, I find that grief seems to multiply and that each new reason to grieve seems to resurrect all the others.

This time my grief is because I lost a friend, someone very dear to me. But death did not claim this friend.  The relationship ended for the reason many relationships end, the evil one, Satan, found a way to use his lies to destroy what was once a loving, caring, fun friendship. Because we were not only friends, but sisters in Christ, I believed this one would last forever.  The friendship had survived so many ups and downs across better than a decade and a half.  The pain I feel has no words I know how to express and my heart is broken. Right now it feels like it will hurt forever.

At the same time I approach a new freedom, a dream come true, a totally new adventure.  I will retire at the end of this year and I am filled with such joy, such peace, such hope.  I count down the days and as the time gets closer my excitement grows.  I find myself giddy over the prospect of no longer having to work.

If all of that were not enough I am experiencing God’s transforming power in ways that are filling me with awe.  I feel God’s presence and power working in me, guiding, providing.  I truly believe that my best years are yet to come.  I know that he has a purpose and a plan for my life and I wait with great anticipation to discover what it is.

There are moments when my heart is filled with joy and wonder.  In those moments I cannot keep from smiling and my eyes shine bright with the excitement I feel.  There are other moments when my heart is heavy with grief and sorrow.  At those times I cannot keep the tears from falling and it feels like my heart will never be able to withstand the depth of this pain.  But what has left me in awe of this God, this creator of mine, is that there are moments when my heart holds both in equal measure, when I feel both the depth of sorrow and the height of joy and I cannot figure out whether to laugh or cry. I do not understand how that can happen but it leaves me in awe of the one who created me.  I know that both of those emotions are real.  I know that he catches every tear I cry.  I know that he already knows what the future holds and I know He is in control.

So I embrace the pain as I embrace the joy. I give thanks for all He is doing in my world and I face the future with hope. For the first time in my life the past is not a chain and the future looks bright. But I still miss my friend.

joy and sorrow


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Endings…


Walking down this lonely road

Fighting to hold on to hope

Dreams are dying

Questions mount

Emotions swirl

Time is running out

Already so much lost

Much too high has been the cost

Heart beating wildly

Tears freely flow

New realities begin to evolve

Replacing lies

Shining light into dark

Facing the future

The great unknown

Waiting for the pain to end

Trying to learn to breathe again

 

 

 


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The friend who stays….


I needed you

But I would not say the words that would draw you near

Instead I built walls, walls so tall

And I tried to drive you away

I rejected your attempts to draw me out

I sat silent, alone and afraid

I wanted you to go away

I feared that if I let you in

You’d see my hurt, my shame, my sin

It was easier to push you away

Than to risk the chance you would not stay

All bound up behind my walls

Sinking downward

In a free fall

Blinded by lies and unspeakable pain

Darkness ensuing

Nothing to gain…

Finding no hope

At the end of the rope

Lost inside the walls I created

Walls built to keep me safe

But suddenly I looked to see

You sitting there, right beside me

Undaunted by my sturdy walls

You listened to my silent call

And led by love

You came along side

And assured me you were there to stay

You refused to let me push you away

And I found myself grateful you’d stayed

That you heard the words I could not say

Encouraged by your persistent love

I find the strength to try again.


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NOT a good Friday


I standToday is the day that Christians celebrate “Good Friday”.  All over the world our eyes are turned upward and our hearts tuned into a period of time that changed the world forever.  But on that day so long ago, this was not a “good” Friday.  What had begun as a triumphal entry and a shared meal with those closest to him, had turned into arrest, betrayal, torture and death.  Those that loved him would not have seen anything good about this day.  The sky turned dark, hearts were broken, hopes were shattered and dreams died as the one who had come to bring light and goodness and healing died on a cross.  No, it was not a good Friday.  They did not have the gift of time, distance and history to show them what we know and so for them it was a time of darkness, despair, confusion, grief and discouragement.  They did not know Sunday was coming and that darkness would be turned to light, hearts would be filled with joy, and a new hope, a new dream would rise out of all the despair.  Without that very bad Friday there would never have been the glorious Sunday!  We have the luxury of looking back and understanding that the event that was their deepest sorrow was necessary to provide the unspeakable joy that His resurrection brought.

Perhaps today you sit in a place of darkness, of despair, of pain or loss.  Perhaps you have lost hope and today is a very bad day for you.   Whatever the burden you bear today, remember that beyond the pain, the sorrow, the darkness there is hope and light and joy.  Sometimes we have to have a bad Friday to have a fantastic Sunday.   Sometimes the value of our suffering can only be seen through the lenses of time… but do not lose hope.  What you see today is not all there is…and it is not the end of the story!


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When it all goes wrong..


Empty, nothing in my hand
Broken, my heart on the ground in pieces
Still, nothing is right and the world has stopped
Tears, pain that cannot be contained, flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks
Empty, broken, still
Here I stand, all alone and filled with pain
Longing for answers, looking for hope
Fighting the fears,
Paralyzed,  I stop to sit
In the only place that can bring relief
Palms, turned up, asking to be filled
Eyes,  lifted
It is my savior I  seek
I stop
I wait
I listen
Waiting for Him to speak
to fill
to heal
And in the silence He comes to me
He wraps me in his love and reminds me of his care
Bringing peace and healing.
Speaking words of comfort
Reminders of His grace
Filling my heart with hope again
and strength to run the race.