Searching

Poetry and other random thoughts from a wandering mind and a searching heart!


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Can you hear me?


Can you hear me?
Do you see?
Will you sit in the dirt with me?
Even if you don’t understand,
Can you offer your presence?
Will you be my friend?
Can you save your lectures,
Your miracle fix?

Can you let me weep
And acknowledge my pain?
Can you come back tomorrow if I feel the same?
Can you hear me?
Do you see?
Will you sit in the dirt with me?


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When joy and sorrow collide.


I don’t’ remember another time in my life when extreme joy and profound sadness occupied my heart and soul simultaneously with such intensity.  I have known my share of grief in life.  My first experience with the death of someone I cared about came in my teens.  As the years have passed and I have lost other people in my life to death, I find that grief seems to multiply and that each new reason to grieve seems to resurrect all the others.

This time my grief is because I lost a friend, someone very dear to me. But death did not claim this friend.  The relationship ended for the reason many relationships end, the evil one, Satan, found a way to use his lies to destroy what was once a loving, caring, fun friendship. Because we were not only friends, but sisters in Christ, I believed this one would last forever.  The friendship had survived so many ups and downs across better than a decade and a half.  The pain I feel has no words I know how to express and my heart is broken. Right now it feels like it will hurt forever.

At the same time I approach a new freedom, a dream come true, a totally new adventure.  I will retire at the end of this year and I am filled with such joy, such peace, such hope.  I count down the days and as the time gets closer my excitement grows.  I find myself giddy over the prospect of no longer having to work.

If all of that were not enough I am experiencing God’s transforming power in ways that are filling me with awe.  I feel God’s presence and power working in me, guiding, providing.  I truly believe that my best years are yet to come.  I know that he has a purpose and a plan for my life and I wait with great anticipation to discover what it is.

There are moments when my heart is filled with joy and wonder.  In those moments I cannot keep from smiling and my eyes shine bright with the excitement I feel.  There are other moments when my heart is heavy with grief and sorrow.  At those times I cannot keep the tears from falling and it feels like my heart will never be able to withstand the depth of this pain.  But what has left me in awe of this God, this creator of mine, is that there are moments when my heart holds both in equal measure, when I feel both the depth of sorrow and the height of joy and I cannot figure out whether to laugh or cry. I do not understand how that can happen but it leaves me in awe of the one who created me.  I know that both of those emotions are real.  I know that he catches every tear I cry.  I know that he already knows what the future holds and I know He is in control.

So I embrace the pain as I embrace the joy. I give thanks for all He is doing in my world and I face the future with hope. For the first time in my life the past is not a chain and the future looks bright. But I still miss my friend.

joy and sorrow


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The pain that won’t end


When you can’t move forward
And you can’t go back
When you are stuck in the middle
When you are off the track
When nothing feels right
When the tears freely flow
When you can’t get a breath
Cause the pains so intense
When there is no way to fix it
No direction to go
When you guard your words
When you try so hard
But your silence speaks
And the hopes all gone
When you pray and you pray
But don’t find the answers you seek
When you’d rather die
Than cause them pain

But look, oh look…
You did it again.


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Inside the monster


 

She rants, she raves…her anger is fierce

She hides, she pulls away.

Those who would help, she pushes aside.

Because she cannot show the heart inside.

The heart so fragile, so tender and true

Battered and broken and misunderstood

She longs for connection, for people who stay

She wants to be heard and valued and desired

The wounds have been many, the challenges hard

Her heart broken too many times.

So vulnerable and scared

Alone with her thoughts

Alone with her tears

She acts out, her weaknesses clear

She fights for clarity

Yearns to understand

While the voices in her head only condemn

Weary of the battle

And needing protection

She becomes a monster

Paranoid and irrational

Fighting to survive

In a world that seems cruel

She sits and weeps

Trying to protect the heart too easily broken


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Alone


Alone

The word falls to the floor

and lands it the puddle

of the silent tears I cry

Alone

Not the absence of the presence of others

Not lonely seeking companionship

Just Alone

Void of the ties that binds you to others

Void of the presence of people who are “there”

Alone

Not because there are not people out there

Not because there are those who do not care

Alone

In a way you cannot understand

If you have never been alone…

 


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Repetition..


When the second verse is the same as the first

When the pain is always the same

When you never quite get over the mountain

Cause near the top, it always starts to rain

When you can’t quite see through the tears in your eyes

When the road comes to an end

When you find you fought but did not win

When you have given your all

And it’s not enough

When everything seems unclear

When it feels like you lost,  all that you held dear

When you know you’re to blame

And it can’t be fixed

When there is no place else to go

When you’ve run into the same brick wall

And still haven’t learned it hurts

When there is no way forward

And no way back

You welcome the darkness again….

 


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The friend who stays….


I needed you

But I would not say the words that would draw you near

Instead I built walls, walls so tall

And I tried to drive you away

I rejected your attempts to draw me out

I sat silent, alone and afraid

I wanted you to go away

I feared that if I let you in

You’d see my hurt, my shame, my sin

It was easier to push you away

Than to risk the chance you would not stay

All bound up behind my walls

Sinking downward

In a free fall

Blinded by lies and unspeakable pain

Darkness ensuing

Nothing to gain…

Finding no hope

At the end of the rope

Lost inside the walls I created

Walls built to keep me safe

But suddenly I looked to see

You sitting there, right beside me

Undaunted by my sturdy walls

You listened to my silent call

And led by love

You came along side

And assured me you were there to stay

You refused to let me push you away

And I found myself grateful you’d stayed

That you heard the words I could not say

Encouraged by your persistent love

I find the strength to try again.


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NOT a good Friday


I standToday is the day that Christians celebrate “Good Friday”.  All over the world our eyes are turned upward and our hearts tuned into a period of time that changed the world forever.  But on that day so long ago, this was not a “good” Friday.  What had begun as a triumphal entry and a shared meal with those closest to him, had turned into arrest, betrayal, torture and death.  Those that loved him would not have seen anything good about this day.  The sky turned dark, hearts were broken, hopes were shattered and dreams died as the one who had come to bring light and goodness and healing died on a cross.  No, it was not a good Friday.  They did not have the gift of time, distance and history to show them what we know and so for them it was a time of darkness, despair, confusion, grief and discouragement.  They did not know Sunday was coming and that darkness would be turned to light, hearts would be filled with joy, and a new hope, a new dream would rise out of all the despair.  Without that very bad Friday there would never have been the glorious Sunday!  We have the luxury of looking back and understanding that the event that was their deepest sorrow was necessary to provide the unspeakable joy that His resurrection brought.

Perhaps today you sit in a place of darkness, of despair, of pain or loss.  Perhaps you have lost hope and today is a very bad day for you.   Whatever the burden you bear today, remember that beyond the pain, the sorrow, the darkness there is hope and light and joy.  Sometimes we have to have a bad Friday to have a fantastic Sunday.   Sometimes the value of our suffering can only be seen through the lenses of time… but do not lose hope.  What you see today is not all there is…and it is not the end of the story!