Searching

Poetry and other random thoughts from a wandering mind and a searching heart!


Leave a comment

I Don’t say “I Love You”


I don’t say the words “I love you”
I’d rather let my life show you
Rather give you the respect you deserve
Than speak the words and offer the hope
And let you find that it was an unforgivable joke
Too often I trusted the things that were said
Only to find no reality there
Words thrown about with such great ease
But lacking in meaning or acts or deeds
They say I’m too serious, too intense
But words have meaning where I exist
So I choose my words carefully
Let my actions speak
Try not to make promises I cannot keep
Friendship is a precious treasure
Love a sacred bond
Hearts were made for tender care
Not to be trampled upon
So I do not take it lightly
This offering of my love
I just do not say the words “I love you”
I live my life to show you!


Leave a comment

Someone Prayed for Me


When God answers prayers I did not pray
Someone prayed for me
When the despair I cannot seem to escape
Suddenly disappears
Someone prayed for me
When everything is dark and I cannot find my way
Then the light shines bright and the darkness goes away
Someone prayed for me
When I think there’s no hope and I’m about to give up
And peace creeps in like a welcome friend
Someone prayed for me
When the pain is so deep and never goes away
But I find joy in my unstructured day
Someone prayed for me
When I have lost my ability to speak with my God
The words won’t come and the desire is gone
And I find myself smiling, the dark clouds gone
Someone prayed for me.

Too many times in my life I have found myself without words to pray, bogged down in darkness that seemed it would never go away. Then one day I would realize the fog had lifted, my motivation had returned and I felt peace again. The change comes so gradually that I am unaware that it has happened. There comes a moment of revelation when I know that God has brought about a change in my mind, my heart, my soul…and I know it is answers to prayers I did not pray. It is then I know that someone or maybe several someone’s have prayed for me. Whoever you are, wherever you are, my profound thanks for those prayers. Our God is amazing and those moments when he reveals to me that He has done what I could not imagine always make me smile with delight.


1 Comment

Vitamins for the soul.


A friend texted me on Friday to see if I wanted to meet for coffee. She only had an hour to spare but I readily agreed to meet her. We ordered our coffee and found a table. We launched immediately into talking, filling the hour so quickly and covering quite a few topics. Too soon it was time to part.

I had entered our time together feeling pressed and frustrated about so many things. But I left it feeling calm and renewed. After several weeks of snow, too much time spent at home alone and pressures at work that were dragging me down, it was like a breath of fresh air to get to sit down with a friend and talk.

As I got back into my car to continue my errands I realized that I was craving connection and real conversation.   Not the chatter at work, not the pleasantries that I exchange with people at church, but real conversation, sharing of life.

That thought took me back to a question that had been asked on Wednesday night at church about why people leave the church. I have so often talked to people who say “I don’t feel connected.” That set the gears in motion for me and I started to wonder, what is this connection we all seek? And we do all seek it.   Everyone wants to fit in, to belong, to be a part of something. Everyone wants to feel wanted, needed, special. Everyone wants connection.

I heard a report on the news this week that research was being done to try to discern why teenagers and young adults are leaving their countries to go and join terrorist groups.   It was discovered that at least in some cases, these young people had sought relationships, had tried to find a place to belong, only to meet with failure over and over. And so they go to join this cause, something they can unite around, a place where people want them, accept them, where they are part of something bigger than themselves.

That brought me back to the church question. Don’t we have something bigger than ourselves to unite around? Jesus died for each of us, sinners, bought with a price, washed in the blood….saved by grace. Why does this great truth and His extravagant love for us not pull us together and cause us to pour out lavish love on each other? Why does any member among us feel unaccepted, unloved, like they don’t belong? Why do they feel adrift and not connected?

Is it our own individual sin that causes us to feel disconnected? Is it that as a people we are too distracted, to busy, to unwilling to make commitments?   Is it that we have let ministry take the place of ministering? Is it that while we say it is all about Jesus, it is really more about us?

Do we let our backgrounds, our hurts, our slights, our perceptions and misconceptions, our passion and desire, our pride and our pain, keep us from pursuing connection, from offering connection? Do we walk by hurting people on our way to take care of that tasks that is on our to-do list, do we put up walls that keep people from coming near?

As is always the case with me, I have more questions than answers. What I know is that God created us for community. He did not create us to journey alone. He has left us so many instructions on how to treat each other, how to love each other. Will you join me today in praying that he will show us each how to love as He wishes us to and in learning to do that, find community and connection with each other?

That hour on Friday, that cup of coffee and real conversation….it was a vitamin for my soul!


2 Comments

He Loves me


I grew up in a house where love was hard to come by. If anyone truly loved anyone else it was really hard to tell by the way they acted, by the way they treated each other. I am not sure how old I was by the time I realized that not all families operated the way mine did. I know by the age of ten I knew that much of what I was being taught in my home life was not truth and so began my never ending quest to make sense of life.

The need for love and affection created huge holes in my life and I sought attention from anyone who would offer it. I overreached and made quite a pest of myself at times as I sought to find someone who could fill those empty holes. In the absence of adults who could offer me the guidance and the stability I needed, I spent much time alone thinking and trying to sort out life.

I was sent to church with my aunt and uncle from a very early age and in that environment I found some of the direction for life that I so desperately sought. As I got older my interest in being there became more than just a way to get out of my house and I became involved in activities and was deeply interested in the scripture.

I became a Christian at the age of 13 confident that this was the life I wanted, that I wanted to worship and serve this God I had learned so much about. I involved myself with people in my church and got involved in youth activities. It was not unusual for me to stop by the preacher’s office after school in the afternoons to talk with him about some new question I had or to ask questions about his sermon from the previous Sunday.

But even though that provided me with some support and some guidance I am not sure I ever truly understood who God was or what it meant to be loved by Him. I was much older when I realized that much of view of God was formed by my relationship with my own father. He was cold and distant, always busy and often impatient. I think I expected God to be the same distant parent.

Through the years my relationship with God waned hot and cold. I had a period in my middle twenties when we were so close and I felt His presence as if He sat right beside me…so real that I felt I could reach out and touch him. But I suffered much hurt at the hands of people, people who were supposed to be His and I confused how they treated me with who He was. It seemed like everyone that I ever loved hurt me or left me at some point. I felt the weight of guilt and shame, always believing that somehow there was something wrong with me that caused them to go. I came to see God as someone who would be there as long as I was good and who would leave me if I messed up. I alternated between seeking Him desperately and pulling back into the shadows to try to deal with guilt and shame.

About ten years ago I was part of a church that split and not too long after that my best friend told me that God had told her not to be friends with me and ended our friendship. The split left me hurt in ways I could never put words to. With that hurt and the end of the friendship I found myself in a deep depression. I was not at all sure where God fit into all of this and sincerely went through a period of time where I believed He hated me. I know that everything in scripture speaks against that but it was the only thing that seemed to make sense for the way my life was going. Like Job I needed for something to make sense.

I decided I was done with God and with church. For most of my life it seemed those two together had only brought me incredible hurt and sorrow. And so I went about trying to ignore Him, to keep my distance from Him. Still I could not escape my desire to know Him, to want to understand His word, to figure out what all of this life meant.

On a Friday morning several years later I found myself heading to Charlotte, NC to go to a Beth Moore conference, alone. My adventures alone always have mixed results. Sometimes I really enjoy doing things and going places alone and at others I plan to do something and find myself feeling uncomfortable and awkward. This day found me looking forward to the time away, hoping to find some renewed hope and faith. I had managed to book a hotel in the downtown area within walking distance of the arena. Once I settled into my room I set off to explore downtown Charlotte. I had a wonderful time wandering around and finally stopped to eat dinner. I walked to the arena, found a great seat and looked down to the floor below to see the person who had ended our friendship sitting in the floor seats just below me. Twenty thousand women and I had to find a seat right where I could see her. I sank into my seat wondering how the weekend could possibly bring me the hope and the comfort I had hoped it would when it had started this way.

Every time I go to one of these events it is always my prayer that God will speak to me, that He will show me why I have come, that I will get a word that I can know is from Him. It had been my prayer driving there and I had come desperate for some kind of direction from Him. But with this turn of events I was discouraged already. Nevertheless I prayed again and soon we began to sing and worship. If you have never been to a Beth Moore conference I encourage you to go. There is nothing quite like the experience and the worship is fantastic. Soon I was lost in the music and the praise and the most amazing thing happened. Suddenly in a way I never had and still cannot explain, God overwhelmed me with His presence and the message that He loved me, that no matter how confused or lost I felt, no matter how messy my life had been, no matter how broken and messed up I felt, that He loved me. He loved me just as I was. As strange as it sounds for someone who grew up in the church and who had committed to Him at age thirteen it was the first time I had truly known and felt that He loved me, not the masses, not just the church, but me. I cannot tell you what the message was that weekend or much else about what happened. I just finally knew that I was loved deeply and personally by the God I so longed to know.

Seems a strange story to tell here and it is deeply personal but I believe there may be others who abide in churches and church circles, that find themselves unsure of His love for them. Like me, you might think He only loves you if you are good, or your life is perfect or if you always follow after Him. But I want you, whoever you are, wherever you are to know He loves YOU! He wants you and He will never stop pursuing you.

In my darkest moments I always remember that Friday night in Charlotte when God reached down and wrapped His arms around me and told me that I was His and that He loved ME. There  is a great peace and deep joy in knowing that no matter what else is happening I am loved by the one who created me, the one who will one day welcome me home!

He loves you too! He never gives up on you…don’t give up on Him. In your darkness, in your grief, in your brokenness, in your sorrow…..no matter where you are, He loves you!

Zephaniah 3:17

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Music connects my soul to God’s and this song by Chris Tomlin is one of my favorites.


Leave a comment

Enjoy or Endure


The holidays are here.  What emotion does that evoke for you?

I confess that I have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year.  When I was a child Christmas was a magical time.   Most of my fond memories of childhood are of Christmas.   It was the only time of the year that my whole family came together.  We all lived in the same small town, but it took the celebration of Christmas to bring us all together.  For several days family was in and out, food was eaten and gifts opened.   As a child I loved all of it but it took becoming an adult and the benefit of hindsight for me to realize it was the family coming together that had been what was really important to me.

I won’t pretend that all of those “family events” were peaceful, that we all got along, that everyone minded their manners….but still somehow it was just important to me that we were together.  I waited all year for those few days.   On Christmas Eve my anticipation and excitement reached higher than the stars and I was dressed and ready hours before the first person would arrive, standing at the door, waiting.   No matter what bad thing happened, or what argument marred the joy of the moment, somehow my memories were always of it being a special time.

My father died when I was 19 and the family slowly fell apart.  He was the glue that held us together.  The once magical Christmases ceased to exist and so began my battle with the holidays.   There is still so much I love about this time of the year.  I start playing Christmas music long before it is politically correct to do so and in my good years I put up as many as 5 trees.  The lights bring a joyful peace to me and I am positively ridiculous about matching tree ornaments with wall color.  And then of course wrapping paper and ribbons have to match the tree they reside under.   I find great joy in buying gifts for the people I love, in baking and sharing food, in humble attempts to share with those who have less than I do, in the wonder and delight of children, in the laughter and warmth and beauty of the season.   There is so much to love about this season when love is in the air.

There is also so much I hate about the holidays.   I hate the feeling of not belonging, the loneliness, the not having a good answer to the question “what are you doing for the holidays? I hate the empty tree on Christmas morning and the pain and sadness that always come with the joy and laughter.   And so there is the battle between finding such joy in this season and trying to endure the other emotions.

I know I am not alone with this struggle and so my challenge to all of us is to look around you as we enter into this season of celebration.   If you are with friends and family, embrace those moments, be present and patient and engaged.  Value the time you have, even with the people that may not be your favorite family member.    Look around you and be aware of those who do not have strong family ties, those who may be in need or those who may be far away from their families this holiday season.  Some are fighting life threatening illness, others may be going through the first holiday since losing a significant person in their life.   When God puts one of these people in your path, ask Him how you can help, how you can make this season a little brighter for them, how He might use you to bring joy to them even in the midst of all your busy and joyous holiday preparation and celebrating.

The truth is that this is the season of love.  We celebrate because someone loved us enough to send His son, born of a virgin, to be our savior.  And while historically this is probably not the right time of year for the birth of Jesus, it is the time the world has chosen to celebrate His birth.  For this period of time in our year, the focus is on Jesus, the baby born in a manager.   What an opportunity for us to share our faith, to talk to those who might not otherwise listen and to show the love He has shown us, to reach out and be love to those who might be hurting.    In all our shopping, decorating, cooking and being together let us remember to reflect the one who gave us the greatest gift of all….Life and a home with Him forever!

May your travels be safe, your visits be loving and your joy be full!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


2 Comments

Together we built a barn..


Together we built a barn…..

Barn raising, as defined by Wikipedia; “A barn raising, also historically called a “raising bee” or “rearing” in the U.K., describes a collective action of a community, in which a barn for one of the members is built or rebuilt collectively by members of the community.”
This week I got to participate in a fund raising event to help with opening a new charter school for special needs children. With charter in hand, building secured and an opening date of August 25, the school was moving along with great enthusiasm toward the start date. As enthusiasm and momentum was at a high, they were informed they had a month, until July 31 to raise $100,000.00. Without that money in the bank, the school would not be allowed to open. Wow. A steep hill to climb. With the paper work that would allow them to solicit corporate donations not yet approved, they set out to come up with a plan to raise these funds. Fundraisers were planned the communications committee got out the word, friends and family were asked to help…and much prayer was lifted up for this cause.

I knew about this from the beginning and immediately gave a contribution to the cause. I was confident that with God’s help they would find a way to do this. The donations came in steady and sure but with only five days left they had only reached $80,000.00. That is a substantial amount of money in 26 days. But $20,000.00 seemed a lot to get in the next five days. I decided I could help out a little more and so I did.

With two days left they still needed $15,000.00. I had been posting their updates on my Facebook page, encouraging people to donate. But on this day something clicked inside of me and I knew this thing was possible and I set out to see if I could help make it happen.

You may be asking what about this particular project had caught my interest. Well there is this boy, this autistic child, the son of a very dear friend, who will attend this school this fall. Long ago he stole my heart and I so deeply want him to be in a place where he can learn and grow. But not just him, others like him for whom the world is not a very comfortable place. It is hard to explain it all but I have been passionate about seeing this goal met and that school be able to open.

My post on Facebook increased. I began to talk to friends and share about this worthy cause. What happened next stunned and amazed me. Friends of mine began to post the fund raising request on their timelines. They emailed and texted and called their friends bringing the need to their attention, asking them to give. People handed me cash in the hall. At one point I did something I had never done before and I emailed a large group of people, begging them to donate. And some did.

For two days people that know nothing of this school, do not know any people from the school, reached deep and gave and tried to help in getting others to give and the total kept going up. As each new total was posted my excitement grew and so did my amazement at what I was experiencing, at what I had been privileged to be a part of. Co-workers greeted me with “what’s the total, are we there?”

This event evoked in me a depth of passion that I had long since forgotten that existed. I watched as people came together to help, as they united around a common cause and together made something good and positive happen. I am not a fan of clichés but I kept thinking “United we stand, divided we fall”. What a powerful force for good we can be when we are willing to die to self and join together to reach a goal. We accomplished together what none of us could have accomplished alone. Being a loner, this has been a powerful lesson for me.

I am profoundly grateful for the friends and co-workers who united with me to promote and recruit, to give. Their actions speak volumes about who they are. Their willingness to step up and help makes me proud to know them, grateful to have them in my circle of friends and committed to help them when they need it. It validates my belief that “love does.”

I deeply believe in community, especially in the church and somehow it seems this is at least part of what it should look like. One among us has a need and the rest of us come along side and bring others with us to see that need gets met.
For me, I know that for a moment in time, God held me with His hand in the cleft of the rock and allowed me to see His glory as it passed by. I stand in awe of Him, of the hearts he touched and I marvel that when we just love each other as He commanded us to, that amazing things can and do happen.

To each and every person that participated in any way in this effort, especially those in my circle, I thank you not only for what you did, but for your part in making this a moving and amazing experience for me.

As I end this post the total sits at $99,000.00. Somehow I just know before the day is out it will reach $100,000.00.
If you are reading this and want to be part of this amazing journey, just click on the link below to donate.

https://dynamiccommunitycs.donortools.com/my/funds/61573-The-Henegar-Family-Fund-for-Dynamic-Community-Chart

Within hours of me orignally posting this the goal was reached!

Together we built a barn……


Leave a comment >


Over and over again these words echo in my mind.  I believe them to be a word from God, a message whispered again and again by the Holy Spirit…trying to speak to the deepest part of me.  They first came on a Sunday morning a few weeks back.   I had known for months that my brother had cancer but I was not supposed to have that information.  At last things had become critical and the news that he was near death came to me from an outside source and I could finally acknowledge the truth I had known for months.  Both of his daughters were by his side and I contacted them to let them know that I was aware of them and their pain.  In the course of texting back and forth they indicated I was welcome to come.

For most people it would seem like a no brainer to get in the car and make the 80 mile trip to visit a brother.   But I had not seen my brother in over ten years and my nieces in probably over thirty years.  The family relationships were fractured and there had been much conflict through the years.  Still I felt strongly that this was something I needed to do so I set out on a journey with little else than the confidence I was doing the right thing.

As I drove,  I thought and I prayed and admittedly I worried.  I worried about what I might be getting myself into, about how it might impact me emotionally.  Already I had lost a cousin a few months back and I was watching my Aunt’s health decline rapidly and my grief was deep even before this.  Would he be alive when I got there?  How would he receive me?  While we had not been at odds with each other for the last years, still there had been no contact.  Would he welcome me or be angry that I came?  How would my nieces receive me?  Would I really be welcome or were they just being polite?  Would I encounter my older brother that I have not seen in many years and with whom my last contact had been an angry conversation?  All these questions and emotions surrounded me as I drove and I prayed and I asked “why am I doing this?”   And that is when the words came “love does”…..They seemed to make some sense at the moment and I tucked them away as some sort of reassurance and comfort as I sped toward this unknown encounter.

In the days and weeks since then the words continue to echo in my mind.  Love does, love does…..I admit I am not totally sure what they mean or what the Spirit is trying to say to me but I am trying to hear.  In our fast paced, over committed, busy world it seems we have lost that personal touch, that being present type of reaching out.  Social media allows us to send a wish, express condolences or joy in mere seconds without ever leaving our computer.  We use the words I love (fill in the blank) so easily.  In other circles we say “I love you”, “Love you” or “Love you all” with frequency.   Being the ever serious and analytical person I am, I wonder…what does that mean?  Does it mean “I wish you well” or “I wish you no harm”?  Is it enough to “phone in” our feelings or does it require something more?  Am I willing to lay down my life for another, for anyone? What does love look like in day to day life?

I had a conversation with a friend once about service and sacrifice and he said that sacrifice is not sacrifice if it does not cost you something.  I think about that often these days.  When did I do something for someone that it cost me something?  Something I wanted to do, sleep, giving up my own needs?  I am not sure I know.   What I do know is that these words continue to echo in my mind and my heart and I want to learn what they mean.  I do not want to simply speak love, I want to live it.  I believe that it is the doing, not the feeling or the speaking that God calls me to.  

1 John 3:18 American Standard Version (ASV)

My Little children, let us not love in word, neither with the tongue; but in deed and truth.

 And so I keep praying and keep asking God to show me what these words mean and what He wants me to do with them.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


2 Comments

NOT a good Friday


I standToday is the day that Christians celebrate “Good Friday”.  All over the world our eyes are turned upward and our hearts tuned into a period of time that changed the world forever.  But on that day so long ago, this was not a “good” Friday.  What had begun as a triumphal entry and a shared meal with those closest to him, had turned into arrest, betrayal, torture and death.  Those that loved him would not have seen anything good about this day.  The sky turned dark, hearts were broken, hopes were shattered and dreams died as the one who had come to bring light and goodness and healing died on a cross.  No, it was not a good Friday.  They did not have the gift of time, distance and history to show them what we know and so for them it was a time of darkness, despair, confusion, grief and discouragement.  They did not know Sunday was coming and that darkness would be turned to light, hearts would be filled with joy, and a new hope, a new dream would rise out of all the despair.  Without that very bad Friday there would never have been the glorious Sunday!  We have the luxury of looking back and understanding that the event that was their deepest sorrow was necessary to provide the unspeakable joy that His resurrection brought.

Perhaps today you sit in a place of darkness, of despair, of pain or loss.  Perhaps you have lost hope and today is a very bad day for you.   Whatever the burden you bear today, remember that beyond the pain, the sorrow, the darkness there is hope and light and joy.  Sometimes we have to have a bad Friday to have a fantastic Sunday.   Sometimes the value of our suffering can only be seen through the lenses of time… but do not lose hope.  What you see today is not all there is…and it is not the end of the story!