Searching

Poetry and other random thoughts from a wandering mind and a searching heart!


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Can you hear me?


Can you hear me?
Do you see?
Will you sit in the dirt with me?
Even if you don’t understand,
Can you offer your presence?
Will you be my friend?
Can you save your lectures,
Your miracle fix?

Can you let me weep
And acknowledge my pain?
Can you come back tomorrow if I feel the same?
Can you hear me?
Do you see?
Will you sit in the dirt with me?

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When joy and sorrow collide.


I don’t’ remember another time in my life when extreme joy and profound sadness occupied my heart and soul simultaneously with such intensity.  I have known my share of grief in life.  My first experience with the death of someone I cared about came in my teens.  As the years have passed and I have lost other people in my life to death, I find that grief seems to multiply and that each new reason to grieve seems to resurrect all the others.

This time my grief is because I lost a friend, someone very dear to me. But death did not claim this friend.  The relationship ended for the reason many relationships end, the evil one, Satan, found a way to use his lies to destroy what was once a loving, caring, fun friendship. Because we were not only friends, but sisters in Christ, I believed this one would last forever.  The friendship had survived so many ups and downs across better than a decade and a half.  The pain I feel has no words I know how to express and my heart is broken. Right now it feels like it will hurt forever.

At the same time I approach a new freedom, a dream come true, a totally new adventure.  I will retire at the end of this year and I am filled with such joy, such peace, such hope.  I count down the days and as the time gets closer my excitement grows.  I find myself giddy over the prospect of no longer having to work.

If all of that were not enough I am experiencing God’s transforming power in ways that are filling me with awe.  I feel God’s presence and power working in me, guiding, providing.  I truly believe that my best years are yet to come.  I know that he has a purpose and a plan for my life and I wait with great anticipation to discover what it is.

There are moments when my heart is filled with joy and wonder.  In those moments I cannot keep from smiling and my eyes shine bright with the excitement I feel.  There are other moments when my heart is heavy with grief and sorrow.  At those times I cannot keep the tears from falling and it feels like my heart will never be able to withstand the depth of this pain.  But what has left me in awe of this God, this creator of mine, is that there are moments when my heart holds both in equal measure, when I feel both the depth of sorrow and the height of joy and I cannot figure out whether to laugh or cry. I do not understand how that can happen but it leaves me in awe of the one who created me.  I know that both of those emotions are real.  I know that he catches every tear I cry.  I know that he already knows what the future holds and I know He is in control.

So I embrace the pain as I embrace the joy. I give thanks for all He is doing in my world and I face the future with hope. For the first time in my life the past is not a chain and the future looks bright. But I still miss my friend.

joy and sorrow


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Forever


My heart is broken

My grief is deep

I am drowning in the tears I weep

Darkness penetrates where light should be

I lost something precious to me

Questions linger

Sadness reigns

I do not know how to deal with the pain

Never planned to be here again

Promises broken

Trust destroyed

 

“Forever is from now till someone changes their mind”

 

 


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Change


It has been a year of loss and pain and sadness
It has been a time that left me broken and beaten and alone
I have slept and cried and tried to escape
I am changed
And it is time for change
I do not know what that means yet
Just that I cannot continue as I have before
Everything is different
My days feel more numbered
And I do not wish to pretend
To accept that which I do not want
To not live making a difference
It is time for change
God calls me to be still
To listen
To wait
It is time for change….


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Endings…


Walking down this lonely road

Fighting to hold on to hope

Dreams are dying

Questions mount

Emotions swirl

Time is running out

Already so much lost

Much too high has been the cost

Heart beating wildly

Tears freely flow

New realities begin to evolve

Replacing lies

Shining light into dark

Facing the future

The great unknown

Waiting for the pain to end

Trying to learn to breathe again